


Breathing in Snowflakes

by samiwinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Season/Series 09, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 05:52:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1041113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samiwinchester/pseuds/samiwinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first /real/ shot at writing fanfiction so please be kind to me!</p>
    </blockquote>





	Breathing in Snowflakes

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first /real/ shot at writing fanfiction so please be kind to me!

Cold winter nights have never been a good time for you- the way the darkness seems to stretch forever and the sun seems to be running as fast as it can from rising. You hate the way the wind feels bitter and angry as it whips your face with tiny pellets of ice and snow, and your worn out jackets don't seem to be capable of doing their job because no matter how hard you hug yourself your skin is still covered in goosebumps and your teeth are still chattering.

These past few months, however, have been particularly difficult. The cold doesn't ever seem to go away, it rests in the hole in your chest like a vicious animal in a deep sleep. Sometimes the warmth of liquor helps to fight it off, but eventually you find yourself a drunk, sobbing mess and thinking about all the things you've done wrong, and you look at your phone every few seconds thinking maybe tonight will be the night Cas finally calls and you won't have to feel so alone anymore

But he never does.

And tomorrow night you'll probably end up calling him yourself and telling him that you're sorry and you miss him and you need him and this animal living in your chest feels like its trying to rip its way out of you like its exploding into a million shards of ice. Then you'll hang up suddenly and throw your phone across the room in drunken rage because how on Earth could you possibly be so arrogant that you honestly believe Cas will be able to forgive you when you can't even begin to forgive yourself.

Some nights Sam tries to keep you from drinking because recently he’s been worried about you, but you just wait until he goes to bed before you find some way to sneak a few in because at this point you don’t know how much more of this cold you can take before you freeze and the booze is the only thing that feels like its almost helping.

Eventually you find yourself praying in a hushed tone each night on to Cas’s voicemail because it almost makes it feel like the reason Cas is out of reach is because he’s off on some heavenly mission and not because you made him leave. You find yourself telling him everything completely on accident and unable to remember exactly what you said in the morning but something inside of you screams regret and you feel like the ice is starting to drive through your chest and into your heart, splitting it slowly into shards and you can’t take it anymore.

Months pass and still each night you find yourself calling Cas’ phone and leaving longer and longer voicemails and you’ve long since passed the point where you half expected him to pick up, but somehow it almost feels like you are slowly making up for everything through words and sobs and confessions that you’re not even sure he’s getting.

One cold night in January as a bottle of Jack Daniel's dangles between your fingers your phone buzzes on the table and you just about jump out of your seat. You look around worriedly, hoping the sound didn’t wake up Sam, who was sleeping down the hall, before picking up your phone and answering without looking at the caller ID.

You dont say anything until there’s a frantic whisper from the other end of the line, and then you nearly drop the bottle of whiskey in your hands and stand up so fast the dining chair you were sitting in falls over behind you.

"Cas? Cas where are you?!" Youre saying because his words arent making sense and the only thing you can hear through the mess of noise is what sounds like him coughing up a lung.

You’re already on your way out the door when a message comes through on your phone with an address not far from you and so you speed down the highway at 120mph with a trail of exhaust visible behind you in the brisk morning air because this is one time that being too late is not an option.

You find yourself praying to everything and anything out there that Cas isn’t going to end up dead or dying as you run towards the beat up apartment that Cas told you to come to. Part of you almost wants to cry just at the thought of Cas living here, in this dirty building with chipped paint and stains of humanity coating the cracked sidewalk leading up to the entrance. You dont bother knocking. Instead you kick down the weak, wooden door as hard as you can to find a limp body lying on a grimey sofa, an empty bottle of pills on the ground.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit" you whisper as you run over to cas's lifeless form and you check for a pulse.

"Please, god, no,” and you’re crying  now because what’s left of a pulse is so weak and you can’t believe that you never got the chance to say sorry in person, and suddenly all those phone calls seem pointless and stupid and you hate yourself for not trying to find him sooner rather than drinking the pain away because if Cas dies-

No. You refuse to think those thoughts and you lift his body into your arms and carry him to the Impala and suddenly outside it feels ten times colder and your entire body is shaking with shivers.

You think he looks so peaceful, lying in the hospital room like hes asleep and not getting his stomach pumped because the idiot tried to swallow a bottle of pills. You nearly start to cry at the thought of what could have possibly brought him to this. You try to tell yourself that perhaps somewhere deep down he’s forgiven you because you were the person he called to save him. Or perhaps he simply had no one else to call. You cradle your head in your hands and wait for what feels like years for him to wake up- listening to the steady rhythm of his heart on the monitor and the sound of the clock ticking and people walking in the hallways, and it all seems so mundane and peaceful until finally-

"Dean?" A voice croaks.

Your head jerks up.

"Cas?" You say, moving to his side. His eyes are barely open but hes there and hes alive and you can barely hold yourself up because you’re so thankful. You brace yourself on the barrier of the hospital bed.

"Im so sorry, Dean" he says and his voice is so weak but so genuinely full of remorse and guilt that you can’t even bear it and you’re trying so hard not to cry so you do the first thing on your mind and you kiss him.

And holy shit. Never has something felt so liberating in your life, like the cold colors of the ER aren’t seeping into every part of your being and feeding the dark creature that’s been living in your chest for months, but like a warm flower is blooming in your chest and you can feel his healthy pulse on his warm lips and the only thought in your mind is _I love you, I need you, I love you_.

Finally you pull away and he looks so confused, like you just gave him an expensive gift for no reason. You just want to grab his shoulders and shake him and tell him to never pull some shit like that again, but instead you just stand there and the weight of the world and this sudden burst of warmth take hold of you and you’re sobbing and Cas is telling you he’s sorry and he forgives you and he got your messages and hes sorry for not answering sooner. Eventually you get a grip and look at his shining blue eyes and tell him that he is your everything and I hate you so much, you stupid angel, but you love him and he stares for a moment like he cant believe what you’re saying is true before telling you that he loves you, too and then the night is a blur of more I’m sorry’s and I need you’s until you finally lay down on the hospital bed next to cas and listening to the heart monitor and looking at this beautiful person curled up beside you, and every beat is like the cold of winter is becoming a warm spring and cas is _alive_ and _here_ and he _loves you_ and because every time the monitor beeps its like the shattered pieces of your heart are being stitched back together, and for the first time in a long, long time you feel like maybe the winter is finally going to end.


End file.
